Bush Administration Considers 'War on People'

“People have long been a threat to our nation’s freedom. In fact,” she said, “They may even be the secret enemy lurking behind this most recent outbreak of international terrorism.”

Condoleezza Rice told the press yesterday that American citizens should remain calm, to go about business as usual, and to keep a close eye out for individuals. “If you see an individual, don’t panic,” she said. “We have experts in the field even as we speak, keeping a close eye on the daily habits of millions of people across the country. We’ve tapped their phones and scanned their hard drives. We have security cameras everywhere; if you can see them, we’ve seen them too.”

When asked how Americans can tell the difference between a person and a covert operator, Condoleezza Rice said simply, “Our operators can only be seen on TV. The rest of the time, they are invisible.” Americans were urged to spend more time watching TV to receive further instructions on how to proceed.

In a televised interview later that day, Majority Leader Tom Daschle said that he would support the campaign, and that he wouldn’t expect much opposition in Congress. “We’ve long suspected the people to be the weakest link in the governmental process. They’re barely mentioned in the Constitution, and unlike Congress, they don’t have any checks or balances to contend with.”

Without the people, he said, “we’d live like kings!”

Russ Feingold (D-Wisconsin) was skeptical of the proposal. “I’m not sure we’d live like kings,” he said. “I’m thinking it would be something more akin to being a land-owner in the Old South.”

“We still wouldn’t live like CEOs,” he said, adding that he would urge the administration to legalize wage slavery as part of this new war.

“We’re not ruling anything out,” Rice said. “These are dangerous times, and we’re taking every possible threat seriously. When it’s our national interest that’s at stake, we have done and will continue to do everything in our power to protect ourselves.”

Americans can expect Bush to give a formal announcement of the Administration’s decision later this week.